He lies on the floor and he says why?
He lies on the floor when his girlfriend cries.
When the mamas don’t come home and the daddies go to work early.
He lies on the floor and he tries to think,
And she says why?
She says why?
Why do you leave when the times get heavy?
Why am I always on my own?
And she gets down and she prays to the God she tries to trust.
And what does he say?
He says nothing.
He says nothing?
Nothing when all he can do is watch,
Watch as the world of a friend seems to fall apart.
No way to look for help and no one to go to.
And he watches and wants to go back,
Back to the innocence he once knew.
And then they’ll join.
They join,
And the world comes together and all the pain is undone.
They love, and in a heartbeat they feel wanted.
So there’s peace and all it took was a word.
One word, and you can take it all back.
HELP!
Help, and that they do.
Love, and then they think.
Trust, and there will be love.
Peace, and the world will live on.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
There Was a Time
There was a time when you cherished me
When you held me high above everyone else
When you worshiped me
There was a time when we were best friends
When we could talk for hours and still have more to say
When you loved me.
There was a time when I was only your's
When I saw, no one else
When did this end?
There you were, standing in my life
When you left, it was empty
When you left, I was happy
There was a time when we both had passion
When colors looked brighter and love was real
When the moon was so far we couldn't believe people could reach it
There was a time when we were younger
When none of these shenanigans went on
When we were innocent and looked at the stars
There was a time, in a parking lot I walked through last week
When we laid on the ground and looked up
When we fell in love
When you held me high above everyone else
When you worshiped me
There was a time when we were best friends
When we could talk for hours and still have more to say
When you loved me.
There was a time when I was only your's
When I saw, no one else
When did this end?
There you were, standing in my life
When you left, it was empty
When you left, I was happy
There was a time when we both had passion
When colors looked brighter and love was real
When the moon was so far we couldn't believe people could reach it
There was a time when we were younger
When none of these shenanigans went on
When we were innocent and looked at the stars
There was a time, in a parking lot I walked through last week
When we laid on the ground and looked up
When we fell in love
The Old Married Couple Routine
Did you switch that gym class?
Are doing well in science?
Hun, what day is it tomorrow?
Are you listening to me Filipe?
What are we doing this weekend?
Can You help me with Spanish?
Where'd you go?
Question which are meaningless.
No meat, no matter.
What have we turned into?
Stay up late, no one cares.
When the morning comes it's just “Come on, get up Hun”.
And then you realize that this is what it's turned into.
Just to “Hello love, how was you day? How was work?”
The Old Married Couple Routine.
So you stop, and you say “Hey, you remember that time...”
That time we stayed up all night long, that time we watched the sun rise.
And hey maybe this is what life is, an actual conversation.
But how many times does that really happen?
Cuz we're all so busy, and so stressed.
And all our life is is yelling and fighting, and we lose sight of what we loved.
So you fight, and it's all just play.
But the Old Married Couple Routine gives it away.
And yeah the movies, they're real nice.
But is that really anything?
No. Just the fluff in your sandwich.
So you say, “Hey. Lets get away.”
“Let's go to a place we can really call home.”
“Where the people don't care cuz they don't seem to know.”
But the old routine just grows new in time.
And you realize what love really is.
Are doing well in science?
Hun, what day is it tomorrow?
Are you listening to me Filipe?
What are we doing this weekend?
Can You help me with Spanish?
Where'd you go?
Question which are meaningless.
No meat, no matter.
What have we turned into?
Stay up late, no one cares.
When the morning comes it's just “Come on, get up Hun”.
And then you realize that this is what it's turned into.
Just to “Hello love, how was you day? How was work?”
The Old Married Couple Routine.
So you stop, and you say “Hey, you remember that time...”
That time we stayed up all night long, that time we watched the sun rise.
And hey maybe this is what life is, an actual conversation.
But how many times does that really happen?
Cuz we're all so busy, and so stressed.
And all our life is is yelling and fighting, and we lose sight of what we loved.
So you fight, and it's all just play.
But the Old Married Couple Routine gives it away.
And yeah the movies, they're real nice.
But is that really anything?
No. Just the fluff in your sandwich.
So you say, “Hey. Lets get away.”
“Let's go to a place we can really call home.”
“Where the people don't care cuz they don't seem to know.”
But the old routine just grows new in time.
And you realize what love really is.
The Game
Hello. Are you lost?
What’s your name? What’s your age?
Where you from? Where you going girl?
Come along, follow me.
Through the dark till you see,
The light at the end of the tunnel.
If I call, will you come?
If you learn, will you run?
Do you know who I am?
Can you see through my plan?
Because you see, I don’t really care about you.
But you talk just like you do.
We’re not so innocent can’t you see?
Baby, it’s just my world and me.
I’m gonna play you like a game,
And then leave you out to drain.
Forget all of our pasts,
And go rummage through my trash.
So just sit on down and smoke that weed.
Understand that you’ll never succeed.
You’re just a fly, hell the big guys they’d kill
if they knew what we’ve done.
Learn a lesson, use it well.
Forget the lesson, you'll sure know hell.
Go out and be a big guy in this little world.
Play the game like it’s your favorite toy.
Baby, that’s my lesson to you.
Use it wise you know what to do.
What’s your name? What’s your age?
Where you from? Where you going girl?
Come along, follow me.
Through the dark till you see,
The light at the end of the tunnel.
If I call, will you come?
If you learn, will you run?
Do you know who I am?
Can you see through my plan?
Because you see, I don’t really care about you.
But you talk just like you do.
We’re not so innocent can’t you see?
Baby, it’s just my world and me.
I’m gonna play you like a game,
And then leave you out to drain.
Forget all of our pasts,
And go rummage through my trash.
So just sit on down and smoke that weed.
Understand that you’ll never succeed.
You’re just a fly, hell the big guys they’d kill
if they knew what we’ve done.
Learn a lesson, use it well.
Forget the lesson, you'll sure know hell.
Go out and be a big guy in this little world.
Play the game like it’s your favorite toy.
Baby, that’s my lesson to you.
Use it wise you know what to do.
Secrets You Know
I know things I shouldn’t know.
About where they go when the world gets heavy.
About how they go and let the world spin.
I know what they know, but they won’t let me in.
Deserted here by all who know.
Deserted here, and left to be blue.
Plans to kill that fill her head.
Plans that kill have left you dead.
One way streets, turned into two.
Split down the middle, cut in two.
Like lives split by divorce.
Killing kids with its great force.
No one cares about what’s going on.
Their friends are dieing, they go on and on.
Crying about things that only matter to them.
It’s their world no one else can get in.
People come, and people go.
People say, and people know.
Not ready to grow up, not ready to get old.
Not wanting to be here, this life is getting cold.
About where they go when the world gets heavy.
About how they go and let the world spin.
I know what they know, but they won’t let me in.
Deserted here by all who know.
Deserted here, and left to be blue.
Plans to kill that fill her head.
Plans that kill have left you dead.
One way streets, turned into two.
Split down the middle, cut in two.
Like lives split by divorce.
Killing kids with its great force.
No one cares about what’s going on.
Their friends are dieing, they go on and on.
Crying about things that only matter to them.
It’s their world no one else can get in.
People come, and people go.
People say, and people know.
Not ready to grow up, not ready to get old.
Not wanting to be here, this life is getting cold.
If You Were to Go Insane
If you were to go insane
I probably wouldn't stay.
I'd be afraid of you and,
You'd be afraid of me.
Because when you looked at me you'd see a tiger.
And I would roar!
You'd be afraid, I can promise you that.
I probably wouldn't blame you
As you run away to hide.
As you run away to hide
I probably wouldn't blame you.
You'd be afraid, I can promise you that.
And I would roar!
Because when you looked at me you'd see a tiger.
You'd be afraid of me.
I'd be afraid of you and,
I probably wouldn't stay
If you were to go insane.
I probably wouldn't stay.
I'd be afraid of you and,
You'd be afraid of me.
Because when you looked at me you'd see a tiger.
And I would roar!
You'd be afraid, I can promise you that.
I probably wouldn't blame you
As you run away to hide.
As you run away to hide
I probably wouldn't blame you.
You'd be afraid, I can promise you that.
And I would roar!
Because when you looked at me you'd see a tiger.
You'd be afraid of me.
I'd be afraid of you and,
I probably wouldn't stay
If you were to go insane.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
As The Summer Wind Blows-- The Brooklyn Bridge
Just for everyone's information, this is my new story, it hasn't been edited, at all, so there will be many mistakes. I'm sorry for that. I just haven't gotten the time to edit it yet, but here it is for you're comments and spelling mistake ciritisicms. Oh and the book of short stories is gonna be called, As The Summer Wind Blows. And this story is called, The Brooklyn Bridge. Just as an overview: this story takes place mostly in Manhatten, New York. And is told from the prespective of a high school boy named, Pheonix Lander. And is about the experiances of him and the people who surround his life for one whole summer.
The Brooklyn Bridge
The kids around here are all phonies. Stuck up, up tight, phonies. And then all of, what, 30 minutes out of here and you’ll meet some of the coolest people on God’s green earth. But here, not so much.
The last day of school’s supposed to be some kind of jubilant experience; when in reality most people don’t even go to school. They’re all done with their finals so they’ve got nothing to do here. The only reason I was here was cuz I’d just been talking to my old english teacher about a writing program. My english teacher, Mr. Billus, was really this old fart. He just sat around all day reading literature. But man could he write! He used to change all my writing around, damn it was amazing.
I had walked into his room at about 12:30. He was sitting at his desk listening to some classical crap re-reading The Cather in the Rye, his favorite book. Once a year all his classes had a huge discussion about it. It came to be known as The Billus Catcher. I thought he’d read that book about 20 million times, but he really loved it. He looked up from his book as I walked in, he looked rather serious.
“Solo Suite for Cello Number… 3?” I guessed, he liked it when you guessed what he was listening to, I’d gotten pretty good at it.
“Number 11.” He corrected me. I walked over to his desk and sat down. “So what have you got for me?” He asked, barely looking up from his book. I hate it when people don’t pay attention to you. Like they’re reading a book or something and they can’t even give you the time of day.
“I’ve been working on these new short stories.”
“Prostitute living in New York City.”
“Yes. She’s trying to work at the thearter. I hope it's interesting.”
“Any kind of story line?”
Now I was getting annoyed with his bored questions. I wished he'd either care or just tell me to go away.
“Yes! Like I said, she's dancing at this theater in New York to get away from her old life, but like I said, she's still got no money.”
“Doesn't have, doesn't have any money.” He corrected me.
“Fine. She doesn't have enough money to live off of. Sir, I have to go. I've got stuff in my locker that's been there all year and I have to get it out. Have a good summer Sir. Thanks for all your help.” I said, trying to get out of there. He was really bugging me, he wouldn't even pretend to care at all. He just sat there reading his book, and it was really quite depressing.
“Leaving so soon are you?”
“Yes well, like I said, I have to go. I've got all my stuff around the school.”
“Well then,” he said finally standing up. “have an excellent summer young man. I wish you well on all your travels.”
He was always saying stuff like that, like he was some kind of historical, great poet or something. He was real full of himself some times. Sometimes he'd hold a class up for a whole half hour, just cuz he didn't feel like he wanted to stop talking.
He gave me this little half bow, like he still lived in 1900, and sat back down heavily on his chair which teetered on the edge of breaking. I turned my back on him to leave but then remembered something he'd once said to me and turned back to him.
“Yes Mr. Lander?” He asked, seeing me turn out of the corner of his eye.
“Do you remembered that time that you quoted Salinger at me and told me never to let people know too much about your life from your writing?”
“Yes.”
“I disagree. Why not let someone see your life to get to the point?”
“That, my boy, is why you are a believer. You believe people care, and maybe they do, but then again maybe they don't.” And with that he brought his book back up to his face, and disappeared into it.
I left contemplating his statement. How was I a believer? I hated it when people said things like that. Like they're trying to sound really smart and all, but they're really just pretty average.
The final bell of the day rang, I'd never really had anything in my locker. I barely knew where my own locker was. I just couldn't stand being there with that old sulky know-it-all. I met Danna at the front entrance. She was coming back from her history final that she had missed because of one of her crazy reasons. She was standing there tapping her foot when I walked up to the front doors.
“Hard?” I asked her, already knowing the answer from the way she kept putting her thumb and forefinger on the bridge of her nose, and the way she kept rolling her shoulders from her aching back.
“You have no idea.” She replied abruptly, and I noticed then how annoyed she really was. She was my only friend in the whole school, and pretty much the only real person I'd met in the past two years here. I mean I'd met a lot of her friends, but most of them I found rather mean, or they just put up this mean front. Like her friend Chloe who I found rather manipulative and bitchy. And she'd showed me her ex-boyfriend who she still secretly loved, and would kill me if I ever told anyone, but even he seemed like pretty much of a dick around his friends.
She walked in a huff out the front doors, and I followed her.
“Hey you know what? It's summer break! We're free. And we're seniors now!” She turned to look at me, and she could tell I was just trying to cheer her up; but it worked.
“Can we go to the city? I've gotta get away from this damn place.” We both seemed to be thinking the same thing cuz we were already walking towards my black Chevy. It had been a gift from my mother when we moved. She always felt terrible for making me leave the one place I loved. Which also meant she couldn't care when Danna and I went to the city about every weekend, because I had been dragged kicking and screaming out two years ago. We never got along well ever since. She had made me move to this depressing phony town, and I hated it. Everything these dumb kids did depressed me. Everyone only cared about their grades, or if they were in with the latest UGG Boot trends, or how much money they could nick from their parents to buy their drugs. I couldn't stand it! No one cared about art, or writing, or beauty. Just their mundane bull, and that's what really depressed me.
I opened my car with the useless electric clicker that I really hated. I revved the engine, and turned on some no-beat Indie Rock and hyped up the volume to annoy people. Then I drove like a bat out of hell. Danna laughed softly to herself next to me as we jerked to a stop at the stop sign, and let a jockey football player and a prom queeny blond girl pass in front of us. I snorted as I watched the phony with his prize lead her off to his car. Danna looked over to me and put her hand knowingly on her shoulder.
“So what you doing this summer P?” She asked a while later.
“Same old, same old. Writing, sitting in coffee shops. You joining me?”
“I got anything better to do?”
“A boyfriend?”
“As if.”
“You can't tell me you're still hung up on James?” James was her ex-boyfriend. I personally didn't like him. He's one of the biggest phonies in this place. The kid's a joke. I really don't understand why Danna's so hung up on him. He was always awful to her, he really was. I barely knew her when they were still together; I'd just moved here. I saw them together only a few times. By the time I became friends with her their relationship was already on the fritz, and her family was already starting to have problems, and her life seemed to be falling apart. I wouldn't say I saved her, but I did try my hardest to help. Now her parents are divorced, and her boyfriend's gone, but at least she's got one good friend.
She didn't answer me for a long time; just sat there in silence thinking.
“I really don't think you understand.” She finally said, and leaned her head back against the seat looking tired.
“Oh really? Why? Cuz I'm not a girl? I don't think the same?”
“Don't you horse around with me Phoenix Lander. No. Because you've never been in love.” I really was horsing around with her, and she always just seemed to get so annoyed when I did.
“I've never been in love? I've never been in love!” I tried to sound incredulous. “Yeah, you're right. I've never been in love.” I really hadn't either. Like I'd had girlfriends who I'd gotten all sexy with. But love, not so much. Love was kind of a foreign term to me.
“See? I can't just stop caring.” She explained
“Why? He did.” That forced her into another long silence; and she sat there in quite a huff.
“Okay, I'm sorry.” I said after a while of her silence. I felt bad that I'd hurt her feelings. She's quite touchy old Danna is. You say one thing these days and she'll go off in a big old huff.
She just kept ignoring me until we finally arrived at this little coffee shop we liked to hang out at in the village. It was smashed in between these two pretty hardcore stores. You could usually find a fair amount of druggies, rockers, and desperate Indie writers just hanging around here. I knew the guy who worked behind the counter from my days when I lived here. He tipped his head a little to Danna and I as we entered and then went back to washing this glass. We sat down at our favorite table right up next to the window and sat in silence for a while. Then when she couldn't bare to stay quiet anymore Danna let out an “Ohhh... him, that's pretty cool.” She whispered, gesturing towards a guys in black skinny jeans, with tattoos and a bright orange mohawk walking down the street towards us.
I watched him dazedly. He had a long jolting stride that made him look like he was in a hurry. Danna was watching him with child-like enthusiasm, I laughed shortly at her. Then I noticed some of her friends; some of her friends that I didn't like. She noticed them too, and then they noticed us, sitting here in our little peaceful coffee shop that wouldn't be peaceful for much longer. It was Chloe and her gang of juvenile delinquents. They called themselves The Blades like they were all cool hot shots and all. But they were really just a bunch of gay girls who sat around, and skipped class, and smoke, and once in a while had fights with their opposing gang the Abolishers. James was part of that gang. I thought they were both pretty damn stupid, but Danna envied them.
Chloe walked in first, towards Danna, not noticing me; head held high like she owned the joint.
“Danna!” She squealed, coming over to us. She threw her arm around Danna's neck when she got to her.
“Hey Chloe.” Danna answered, trying to sound pretty suave.
“You wanna come with us?” Danna's eyes lit up, she loved walking with these damn gangs; it made her feel tough, undefined. I myself couldn't care less. She looked at me as if asking permission to abandon me.
“Go. Have fun. It's gotta be better than sitting around here all day.” She almost squealed and jumped up quickly to join Chloe.
“I'll meet you at the tree at five.” She said as she left.
The tree was this giant old oak tree right on the outskirts of Central Park West. This one time I found this old pair of real beat up 60's roller skates tied up on one of the branches. Almost broke my neck trying to get 'em too. But I have them still to this day. One of the few reminders of the place I once lived.
I sat only a few minutes more and then left to walk aimlessly. I went across the street to this cool old underground clothing store that I liked. The owner was standing outside smoking, he did that a lot. I stopped and leaned against the wall next to him.
“What's good P?” He asked me with out even looking to see who it was. His leathery skin stretched over his cheek bones as he talked, and his Steven Tyler like figure curled forward in on itself a little.
“Last day of school.” I said really trying to sound cool, bored, and suave.
“School... pff... what a joke.” He said blowing out a long stream of smoke through his teeth.
“Smoked any good?” He continued. That's about all Alex cared about, his store and his joint.
“No.”
“No good man, no good.”
“Sure.” I said, and continued on inside.
“Phoenix!” Alex called after me.
“What?” I yelled back, not bother to turn around.
“Aint you gonna come have one with me?”
“Not today man.” I walked on to the back to where I knew this nice girl Marcy worked with the shoes. She was good for a light conversation, and she was always horsing around. But she was pretty damn dumb.
This one time I took her out for a movie, back when I lived in the city, and she got on my nerves so bad that I just got up and left. She wouldn't talk to me for two whole months!
“Hey Jess.” I called coming into the back room.
“Hi Phoenix. Look I'm really busy. Alex just got in all this new shit, and we're already overstocked. And I'm really stressed out; and I just found out I'm failing two courses. And my brother never came home the other night. And every thing's really screwed up. And...” She kept talking my damn ear off as I walked around the back room a bit, looking at all the new shoes. I noticed a pair of real old converse, no doubt donated by some rich bastard Alex liked to get high. They were all drawn on and the color was all fading, but for the most part they looked pretty cool. I picked them up and looked them over, and put them back down. When I looked up Jess was still jabbering away holding this damn box of shoes.
“I'll see you later Jess,” I yell and get her attention.
“Oh... well then I'll see you later P. Try to get Alex to come in here on your way out would you.” She says as I leave.
“Jess wants you in the back.” I tell Alex absently, as I walk by him.
“Uhh... that girl again! What does she want now? She never stops talking!” Alex grumbles stumbling inside.
I walked down the side walk by the street vender's and bong shops. I decided I'd take a cab over to Brooklyn to visit this kid I knew back when we were in grade school. He a was a good kid this guy and we hadn't talked in a while. He was one of those kids that you'd just go and walk right in his front door. I flagged down a cab on the corner next to an open air pizza place.
The driver was this good looking young guy, and I couldn't imagine why he was spending his life driving around in a taxi cab. I tell him 15th Street in Brooklyn and we head for the bridge. The Brooklyn bridge's a pretty damn majestic thing if you've ever seen it. With all those wires and then the big pillars that stand in the middle and keep all the wires up. It's pretty great. I never really went to Brooklyn that much but it wasn't bad. We were stopped at a light when the driver first talked to me.
“What's your business in Brooklyn kid?” He asked in a kind of stupid Tony Soprano accent.
“Just visiting this guy. Why are you driving a cab?”
“Now that my friend is a very good question. I'm drivin' a cab because of a girl. You get em' all pregnant and what not and then they don't want you to leave. They don't want you to go to school cuz you're not makin' money. They don't want you to be workin' cuz you're not at home. It's endless! So I says, you know what I'll go drive a taxi cab. And you know, that's just where I end up.”
“Oh. Well man, that sucks. But how's she expect you to ever get some kind of a good job if you never went to school?”
“That's just what I says! I says, why would I spend my life drivin' around in a cab when I can be makin' so much more money somewhere else. I says, hey why don't you get off you're fat lazy ass and do somethin'? You know, they don't like that, them woman. They don't wanna hear none o' that. She's like, well maybe you shouldn't of knocked me up you asshole! That was the end o' that. You got a girl man?”
“No.”
“Aww, no? Why not? Nice lookin' guy like you. You ain't a gay are you?”
“No. I don't live round here. I live in the suburbs. Well sorta. But they really suck. I mean the people. I used to live in the city. On the corner of 53rd and 3rd.”
“Oh yeah, yeah. I know where that is.” We were on the bridge now. There were all these people walking in the nice summer air. But I noticed one girl walking right on the side of the road. Not in between the car lanes like you're supposed to. No, right on the side next to the cars and on the edge of the bridge. She was walking real slowly looking down at the water. Pondering it.
“You know, you can just let me out right here.” I tell the driver, and had him some money.
“Okay man, be safe.” He mocks and then laughs. I get out and walk behind the girl, sort of trying to catch up with her. I think she hears me, cuz she turns around and I think is pretty startled that there's someone following her.
“You know, that middle partition is for people to walk on.”
“I could tell you that same thing.” She says to me. Her voice is nice; girly and feminine. She's pretty pale with blue eyes and blond hair. But her clothes aren't too nice and she might have been wearing them for a while. “What do you want?” She asks, crudely.
“Well... I just... saw you on the bridge... and well...”
“You don't know, do you? You just thought you'd be a good person and see what was wrong with me? Eyy?”
“No! No! It's not like that. I just thought I could talk to you.”
“Well my life isn't for you to make some kind of story out of! So you can just leave me alone...”
“Phoenix.”
“Well you can just leave me alone Phoenix. Phoenix? That's a nice name.”
“I'm a nice guy.”
“Oh sure you are. Sure.”
“Well I don't know what the fuck your problem is.”
“And I don't know why you even care enough to talk to me. What are you, some kind of stalker?”
“No I'm not. I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Why?! You don't even know me!” She screamed at me. I cowered away from her, she was pretty crazy. “I'm sorry.” She stopped walking, “I just... have people problems.”
“Well I'm sorry to hear that. But really I just wanted to talk to you. But really, why are you walking here?”
“Cuz I feel like it.”
“No, I mean like near the water and what not.”
“Oh... that...” She trailed off.
“You don't really have to tell me. I'm sorry if I annoyed you. I'll just be going now.” I start walking away because I don't think she really wants to talk to me.
“No, don't leave. Please. I'm sorry.” She pleaded. I walked back towards her and looked at her. I knew she would call me back and I didn't go far. “I'm Anna.” She said quickly to break some of the tension.
“That's nice. Anna what?” I ask. We stopped walking and stood there with the cars whizzing by on out left side.
“No, no. Just Anna. I don't go by my last name normally.” I look at her; her eyes are serious and dark and solemn. I can barely even read one emotion from the other. They are so full of mystery and all the things I don't know about her and her life.
“You live in the city?”
“You gonna come stalk me or something?” She asked jokingly and started walking again.
“No. I promise you I won't”
“Yeah I live in the city most of the time. I move around a lot. Do you?”
“No. I used to live in the city. My parents made us move. I live in the suburbs now. Bedford.”
“That's a nice place”, she commented.
“Yeah, if you're a phony.” She laughed at that, and her laugh was nice. Not real girl or loud. It almost tinkled, like a bell.
“So you're not one of those phonies?” She joked.
“No! Are you?”
“Not in the least.”
“So why don't you live with your family?” I ask quickly; getting into some of the more serious stuff.
“Next question”
“No. I wanna know. Why don't you go by their name?”
“I don't live with my family cuz we don't get along very well! Okay? Happy?” She turned her face away from me and I was afraid she might cry.
“Please don't cry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You don't have to talk to me anymore. I'll go now.”
“I'm not crying!” She protested, but her voice gave it away some.
“You really don't have to talk to me anymore if you don't want to.”
“No, I like you. You're really nice; you know that? You're one of the nicest people I've met in a while.”
“Well than you must not have met too many decent people.”
“No I don't,” she said sullenly.
“What are you really doing out here?”
“Do you really want to know?” She asked.
“Yes”
“Will you judge me?”
“No”
“Do you really care?”
“Of course.”
“I might have jumped if given the chance. I really might have. Ph that really would have met them happy, those scum bags.”
“Who?”
“People. But I really might have.”
“I really might too.” I say, and she turned to smile at me. Her big smile friendly as she stopped walking to talk to me.
“You're a good guy Phoenix. I trust you.”
“You shouldn't” I responded.
“Well, lets think about this now shall we? You're not a crack whore. And you're not a major drug lord. Trust me, if you were I'd know you would have been to my house at least once. And you don't seem to be a cocaine addict. So I'd say, you're pretty damn trustworthy.”
“Well thanks. And no, I'm none of those things. And I thought you didn't live at home.”
“Yeah well, when I do. You don't need to know about that. Neither do I.” She said, shutting me down. “Phoenix, you're a really great guy. Thank you”
“For what?” I asked. I couldn't figure out what I had done that was so damn great.
“For being nice to me.” She seemed serious in a way that compelled me to believe her.
“Oh. It was nothing. Just trying to be a good person.”
“You are a good person. Thank you” Then she paused and pivoted so that she wasn't really facing me. “I've got to be somewhere.” She said hurriedly; and turned all the way around. Her mood changed so fast I never saw it coming.
“Oh.”
“I'm sorry. I do. Will I see you again in the city?” She asked looking over her shoulder with giant blue eyes.
“If you're lucky.” I saw and smile. And then she's gone. Running back down the bridge. Gone like and a breeze in the summer that fades awfully quickly. And I'm left standing there on the bridge, half awestruck. Standing there on that damn bridge. The bridge that connects. The bridge that allows the New Yorkers and the Brooklyn thugs to unite and make a city. I'm standing there watching her leave. A summer breeze is blowing and I can feel it, warm on my cheek. I take out my cell phone and call Danna for her to get my car and pick me up. She does; but I don't tell her about Anna.
The Brooklyn Bridge
The kids around here are all phonies. Stuck up, up tight, phonies. And then all of, what, 30 minutes out of here and you’ll meet some of the coolest people on God’s green earth. But here, not so much.
The last day of school’s supposed to be some kind of jubilant experience; when in reality most people don’t even go to school. They’re all done with their finals so they’ve got nothing to do here. The only reason I was here was cuz I’d just been talking to my old english teacher about a writing program. My english teacher, Mr. Billus, was really this old fart. He just sat around all day reading literature. But man could he write! He used to change all my writing around, damn it was amazing.
I had walked into his room at about 12:30. He was sitting at his desk listening to some classical crap re-reading The Cather in the Rye, his favorite book. Once a year all his classes had a huge discussion about it. It came to be known as The Billus Catcher. I thought he’d read that book about 20 million times, but he really loved it. He looked up from his book as I walked in, he looked rather serious.
“Solo Suite for Cello Number… 3?” I guessed, he liked it when you guessed what he was listening to, I’d gotten pretty good at it.
“Number 11.” He corrected me. I walked over to his desk and sat down. “So what have you got for me?” He asked, barely looking up from his book. I hate it when people don’t pay attention to you. Like they’re reading a book or something and they can’t even give you the time of day.
“I’ve been working on these new short stories.”
“Prostitute living in New York City.”
“Yes. She’s trying to work at the thearter. I hope it's interesting.”
“Any kind of story line?”
Now I was getting annoyed with his bored questions. I wished he'd either care or just tell me to go away.
“Yes! Like I said, she's dancing at this theater in New York to get away from her old life, but like I said, she's still got no money.”
“Doesn't have, doesn't have any money.” He corrected me.
“Fine. She doesn't have enough money to live off of. Sir, I have to go. I've got stuff in my locker that's been there all year and I have to get it out. Have a good summer Sir. Thanks for all your help.” I said, trying to get out of there. He was really bugging me, he wouldn't even pretend to care at all. He just sat there reading his book, and it was really quite depressing.
“Leaving so soon are you?”
“Yes well, like I said, I have to go. I've got all my stuff around the school.”
“Well then,” he said finally standing up. “have an excellent summer young man. I wish you well on all your travels.”
He was always saying stuff like that, like he was some kind of historical, great poet or something. He was real full of himself some times. Sometimes he'd hold a class up for a whole half hour, just cuz he didn't feel like he wanted to stop talking.
He gave me this little half bow, like he still lived in 1900, and sat back down heavily on his chair which teetered on the edge of breaking. I turned my back on him to leave but then remembered something he'd once said to me and turned back to him.
“Yes Mr. Lander?” He asked, seeing me turn out of the corner of his eye.
“Do you remembered that time that you quoted Salinger at me and told me never to let people know too much about your life from your writing?”
“Yes.”
“I disagree. Why not let someone see your life to get to the point?”
“That, my boy, is why you are a believer. You believe people care, and maybe they do, but then again maybe they don't.” And with that he brought his book back up to his face, and disappeared into it.
I left contemplating his statement. How was I a believer? I hated it when people said things like that. Like they're trying to sound really smart and all, but they're really just pretty average.
The final bell of the day rang, I'd never really had anything in my locker. I barely knew where my own locker was. I just couldn't stand being there with that old sulky know-it-all. I met Danna at the front entrance. She was coming back from her history final that she had missed because of one of her crazy reasons. She was standing there tapping her foot when I walked up to the front doors.
“Hard?” I asked her, already knowing the answer from the way she kept putting her thumb and forefinger on the bridge of her nose, and the way she kept rolling her shoulders from her aching back.
“You have no idea.” She replied abruptly, and I noticed then how annoyed she really was. She was my only friend in the whole school, and pretty much the only real person I'd met in the past two years here. I mean I'd met a lot of her friends, but most of them I found rather mean, or they just put up this mean front. Like her friend Chloe who I found rather manipulative and bitchy. And she'd showed me her ex-boyfriend who she still secretly loved, and would kill me if I ever told anyone, but even he seemed like pretty much of a dick around his friends.
She walked in a huff out the front doors, and I followed her.
“Hey you know what? It's summer break! We're free. And we're seniors now!” She turned to look at me, and she could tell I was just trying to cheer her up; but it worked.
“Can we go to the city? I've gotta get away from this damn place.” We both seemed to be thinking the same thing cuz we were already walking towards my black Chevy. It had been a gift from my mother when we moved. She always felt terrible for making me leave the one place I loved. Which also meant she couldn't care when Danna and I went to the city about every weekend, because I had been dragged kicking and screaming out two years ago. We never got along well ever since. She had made me move to this depressing phony town, and I hated it. Everything these dumb kids did depressed me. Everyone only cared about their grades, or if they were in with the latest UGG Boot trends, or how much money they could nick from their parents to buy their drugs. I couldn't stand it! No one cared about art, or writing, or beauty. Just their mundane bull, and that's what really depressed me.
I opened my car with the useless electric clicker that I really hated. I revved the engine, and turned on some no-beat Indie Rock and hyped up the volume to annoy people. Then I drove like a bat out of hell. Danna laughed softly to herself next to me as we jerked to a stop at the stop sign, and let a jockey football player and a prom queeny blond girl pass in front of us. I snorted as I watched the phony with his prize lead her off to his car. Danna looked over to me and put her hand knowingly on her shoulder.
“So what you doing this summer P?” She asked a while later.
“Same old, same old. Writing, sitting in coffee shops. You joining me?”
“I got anything better to do?”
“A boyfriend?”
“As if.”
“You can't tell me you're still hung up on James?” James was her ex-boyfriend. I personally didn't like him. He's one of the biggest phonies in this place. The kid's a joke. I really don't understand why Danna's so hung up on him. He was always awful to her, he really was. I barely knew her when they were still together; I'd just moved here. I saw them together only a few times. By the time I became friends with her their relationship was already on the fritz, and her family was already starting to have problems, and her life seemed to be falling apart. I wouldn't say I saved her, but I did try my hardest to help. Now her parents are divorced, and her boyfriend's gone, but at least she's got one good friend.
She didn't answer me for a long time; just sat there in silence thinking.
“I really don't think you understand.” She finally said, and leaned her head back against the seat looking tired.
“Oh really? Why? Cuz I'm not a girl? I don't think the same?”
“Don't you horse around with me Phoenix Lander. No. Because you've never been in love.” I really was horsing around with her, and she always just seemed to get so annoyed when I did.
“I've never been in love? I've never been in love!” I tried to sound incredulous. “Yeah, you're right. I've never been in love.” I really hadn't either. Like I'd had girlfriends who I'd gotten all sexy with. But love, not so much. Love was kind of a foreign term to me.
“See? I can't just stop caring.” She explained
“Why? He did.” That forced her into another long silence; and she sat there in quite a huff.
“Okay, I'm sorry.” I said after a while of her silence. I felt bad that I'd hurt her feelings. She's quite touchy old Danna is. You say one thing these days and she'll go off in a big old huff.
She just kept ignoring me until we finally arrived at this little coffee shop we liked to hang out at in the village. It was smashed in between these two pretty hardcore stores. You could usually find a fair amount of druggies, rockers, and desperate Indie writers just hanging around here. I knew the guy who worked behind the counter from my days when I lived here. He tipped his head a little to Danna and I as we entered and then went back to washing this glass. We sat down at our favorite table right up next to the window and sat in silence for a while. Then when she couldn't bare to stay quiet anymore Danna let out an “Ohhh... him, that's pretty cool.” She whispered, gesturing towards a guys in black skinny jeans, with tattoos and a bright orange mohawk walking down the street towards us.
I watched him dazedly. He had a long jolting stride that made him look like he was in a hurry. Danna was watching him with child-like enthusiasm, I laughed shortly at her. Then I noticed some of her friends; some of her friends that I didn't like. She noticed them too, and then they noticed us, sitting here in our little peaceful coffee shop that wouldn't be peaceful for much longer. It was Chloe and her gang of juvenile delinquents. They called themselves The Blades like they were all cool hot shots and all. But they were really just a bunch of gay girls who sat around, and skipped class, and smoke, and once in a while had fights with their opposing gang the Abolishers. James was part of that gang. I thought they were both pretty damn stupid, but Danna envied them.
Chloe walked in first, towards Danna, not noticing me; head held high like she owned the joint.
“Danna!” She squealed, coming over to us. She threw her arm around Danna's neck when she got to her.
“Hey Chloe.” Danna answered, trying to sound pretty suave.
“You wanna come with us?” Danna's eyes lit up, she loved walking with these damn gangs; it made her feel tough, undefined. I myself couldn't care less. She looked at me as if asking permission to abandon me.
“Go. Have fun. It's gotta be better than sitting around here all day.” She almost squealed and jumped up quickly to join Chloe.
“I'll meet you at the tree at five.” She said as she left.
The tree was this giant old oak tree right on the outskirts of Central Park West. This one time I found this old pair of real beat up 60's roller skates tied up on one of the branches. Almost broke my neck trying to get 'em too. But I have them still to this day. One of the few reminders of the place I once lived.
I sat only a few minutes more and then left to walk aimlessly. I went across the street to this cool old underground clothing store that I liked. The owner was standing outside smoking, he did that a lot. I stopped and leaned against the wall next to him.
“What's good P?” He asked me with out even looking to see who it was. His leathery skin stretched over his cheek bones as he talked, and his Steven Tyler like figure curled forward in on itself a little.
“Last day of school.” I said really trying to sound cool, bored, and suave.
“School... pff... what a joke.” He said blowing out a long stream of smoke through his teeth.
“Smoked any good?” He continued. That's about all Alex cared about, his store and his joint.
“No.”
“No good man, no good.”
“Sure.” I said, and continued on inside.
“Phoenix!” Alex called after me.
“What?” I yelled back, not bother to turn around.
“Aint you gonna come have one with me?”
“Not today man.” I walked on to the back to where I knew this nice girl Marcy worked with the shoes. She was good for a light conversation, and she was always horsing around. But she was pretty damn dumb.
This one time I took her out for a movie, back when I lived in the city, and she got on my nerves so bad that I just got up and left. She wouldn't talk to me for two whole months!
“Hey Jess.” I called coming into the back room.
“Hi Phoenix. Look I'm really busy. Alex just got in all this new shit, and we're already overstocked. And I'm really stressed out; and I just found out I'm failing two courses. And my brother never came home the other night. And every thing's really screwed up. And...” She kept talking my damn ear off as I walked around the back room a bit, looking at all the new shoes. I noticed a pair of real old converse, no doubt donated by some rich bastard Alex liked to get high. They were all drawn on and the color was all fading, but for the most part they looked pretty cool. I picked them up and looked them over, and put them back down. When I looked up Jess was still jabbering away holding this damn box of shoes.
“I'll see you later Jess,” I yell and get her attention.
“Oh... well then I'll see you later P. Try to get Alex to come in here on your way out would you.” She says as I leave.
“Jess wants you in the back.” I tell Alex absently, as I walk by him.
“Uhh... that girl again! What does she want now? She never stops talking!” Alex grumbles stumbling inside.
I walked down the side walk by the street vender's and bong shops. I decided I'd take a cab over to Brooklyn to visit this kid I knew back when we were in grade school. He a was a good kid this guy and we hadn't talked in a while. He was one of those kids that you'd just go and walk right in his front door. I flagged down a cab on the corner next to an open air pizza place.
The driver was this good looking young guy, and I couldn't imagine why he was spending his life driving around in a taxi cab. I tell him 15th Street in Brooklyn and we head for the bridge. The Brooklyn bridge's a pretty damn majestic thing if you've ever seen it. With all those wires and then the big pillars that stand in the middle and keep all the wires up. It's pretty great. I never really went to Brooklyn that much but it wasn't bad. We were stopped at a light when the driver first talked to me.
“What's your business in Brooklyn kid?” He asked in a kind of stupid Tony Soprano accent.
“Just visiting this guy. Why are you driving a cab?”
“Now that my friend is a very good question. I'm drivin' a cab because of a girl. You get em' all pregnant and what not and then they don't want you to leave. They don't want you to go to school cuz you're not makin' money. They don't want you to be workin' cuz you're not at home. It's endless! So I says, you know what I'll go drive a taxi cab. And you know, that's just where I end up.”
“Oh. Well man, that sucks. But how's she expect you to ever get some kind of a good job if you never went to school?”
“That's just what I says! I says, why would I spend my life drivin' around in a cab when I can be makin' so much more money somewhere else. I says, hey why don't you get off you're fat lazy ass and do somethin'? You know, they don't like that, them woman. They don't wanna hear none o' that. She's like, well maybe you shouldn't of knocked me up you asshole! That was the end o' that. You got a girl man?”
“No.”
“Aww, no? Why not? Nice lookin' guy like you. You ain't a gay are you?”
“No. I don't live round here. I live in the suburbs. Well sorta. But they really suck. I mean the people. I used to live in the city. On the corner of 53rd and 3rd.”
“Oh yeah, yeah. I know where that is.” We were on the bridge now. There were all these people walking in the nice summer air. But I noticed one girl walking right on the side of the road. Not in between the car lanes like you're supposed to. No, right on the side next to the cars and on the edge of the bridge. She was walking real slowly looking down at the water. Pondering it.
“You know, you can just let me out right here.” I tell the driver, and had him some money.
“Okay man, be safe.” He mocks and then laughs. I get out and walk behind the girl, sort of trying to catch up with her. I think she hears me, cuz she turns around and I think is pretty startled that there's someone following her.
“You know, that middle partition is for people to walk on.”
“I could tell you that same thing.” She says to me. Her voice is nice; girly and feminine. She's pretty pale with blue eyes and blond hair. But her clothes aren't too nice and she might have been wearing them for a while. “What do you want?” She asks, crudely.
“Well... I just... saw you on the bridge... and well...”
“You don't know, do you? You just thought you'd be a good person and see what was wrong with me? Eyy?”
“No! No! It's not like that. I just thought I could talk to you.”
“Well my life isn't for you to make some kind of story out of! So you can just leave me alone...”
“Phoenix.”
“Well you can just leave me alone Phoenix. Phoenix? That's a nice name.”
“I'm a nice guy.”
“Oh sure you are. Sure.”
“Well I don't know what the fuck your problem is.”
“And I don't know why you even care enough to talk to me. What are you, some kind of stalker?”
“No I'm not. I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Why?! You don't even know me!” She screamed at me. I cowered away from her, she was pretty crazy. “I'm sorry.” She stopped walking, “I just... have people problems.”
“Well I'm sorry to hear that. But really I just wanted to talk to you. But really, why are you walking here?”
“Cuz I feel like it.”
“No, I mean like near the water and what not.”
“Oh... that...” She trailed off.
“You don't really have to tell me. I'm sorry if I annoyed you. I'll just be going now.” I start walking away because I don't think she really wants to talk to me.
“No, don't leave. Please. I'm sorry.” She pleaded. I walked back towards her and looked at her. I knew she would call me back and I didn't go far. “I'm Anna.” She said quickly to break some of the tension.
“That's nice. Anna what?” I ask. We stopped walking and stood there with the cars whizzing by on out left side.
“No, no. Just Anna. I don't go by my last name normally.” I look at her; her eyes are serious and dark and solemn. I can barely even read one emotion from the other. They are so full of mystery and all the things I don't know about her and her life.
“You live in the city?”
“You gonna come stalk me or something?” She asked jokingly and started walking again.
“No. I promise you I won't”
“Yeah I live in the city most of the time. I move around a lot. Do you?”
“No. I used to live in the city. My parents made us move. I live in the suburbs now. Bedford.”
“That's a nice place”, she commented.
“Yeah, if you're a phony.” She laughed at that, and her laugh was nice. Not real girl or loud. It almost tinkled, like a bell.
“So you're not one of those phonies?” She joked.
“No! Are you?”
“Not in the least.”
“So why don't you live with your family?” I ask quickly; getting into some of the more serious stuff.
“Next question”
“No. I wanna know. Why don't you go by their name?”
“I don't live with my family cuz we don't get along very well! Okay? Happy?” She turned her face away from me and I was afraid she might cry.
“Please don't cry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You don't have to talk to me anymore. I'll go now.”
“I'm not crying!” She protested, but her voice gave it away some.
“You really don't have to talk to me anymore if you don't want to.”
“No, I like you. You're really nice; you know that? You're one of the nicest people I've met in a while.”
“Well than you must not have met too many decent people.”
“No I don't,” she said sullenly.
“What are you really doing out here?”
“Do you really want to know?” She asked.
“Yes”
“Will you judge me?”
“No”
“Do you really care?”
“Of course.”
“I might have jumped if given the chance. I really might have. Ph that really would have met them happy, those scum bags.”
“Who?”
“People. But I really might have.”
“I really might too.” I say, and she turned to smile at me. Her big smile friendly as she stopped walking to talk to me.
“You're a good guy Phoenix. I trust you.”
“You shouldn't” I responded.
“Well, lets think about this now shall we? You're not a crack whore. And you're not a major drug lord. Trust me, if you were I'd know you would have been to my house at least once. And you don't seem to be a cocaine addict. So I'd say, you're pretty damn trustworthy.”
“Well thanks. And no, I'm none of those things. And I thought you didn't live at home.”
“Yeah well, when I do. You don't need to know about that. Neither do I.” She said, shutting me down. “Phoenix, you're a really great guy. Thank you”
“For what?” I asked. I couldn't figure out what I had done that was so damn great.
“For being nice to me.” She seemed serious in a way that compelled me to believe her.
“Oh. It was nothing. Just trying to be a good person.”
“You are a good person. Thank you” Then she paused and pivoted so that she wasn't really facing me. “I've got to be somewhere.” She said hurriedly; and turned all the way around. Her mood changed so fast I never saw it coming.
“Oh.”
“I'm sorry. I do. Will I see you again in the city?” She asked looking over her shoulder with giant blue eyes.
“If you're lucky.” I saw and smile. And then she's gone. Running back down the bridge. Gone like and a breeze in the summer that fades awfully quickly. And I'm left standing there on the bridge, half awestruck. Standing there on that damn bridge. The bridge that connects. The bridge that allows the New Yorkers and the Brooklyn thugs to unite and make a city. I'm standing there watching her leave. A summer breeze is blowing and I can feel it, warm on my cheek. I take out my cell phone and call Danna for her to get my car and pick me up. She does; but I don't tell her about Anna.
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